Ganon plays Phantom Hourglass - Part 1

"Let the old kingdom of Hyrule drown under the ocean" they said... "We'll find a new, better Hyrule" they said... "We don't need stuff like the Triforce or the Sacred Realm anymore"... Gahahaha! Don't you fools see that the goddesses betrayed you? Hyrule, the land that contains all the history and lore of the Zelda timeline, has been destroyed, and now in its absence, this abomination of a game is the best they could come up with GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ah but let's not be so quick to judge, Ganon. You know all too well what it's like to underestimate things... certain young swordsmen dressed in green for example?

How dare you talk to the King of Darkness like that!

More like the king of deadness now! And I am a king too you know! I am Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule! I am also known as the King of Red Lions.

... oh yeah that's right, Master Sword and all that. Still, even being turned to stone I can tell this game is garbage. It takes place directly after Wind Waker, yet it's nowhere near as good! Clearly, Zelda games just aren't the same with me gone... If you hadn't made that damn wish to drown Hyrule, I could've been revived again and made the series more interesting!

You and me Ganon, we are the same. We have lived regretting the past, both clinging to the ruins of old Hyrule. That's why I wished for the destruction of Hyrule. I believe there lies promise in a new future for the Zelda timeline, a new Hyrule in a different place, that doesn't involve the triforce. The goddesses flooded Hyrule, and in doing so they created a hope new original Zelda stories to happen in future games.

Very well, then... Allow me to show you... This future of yours... just what hope you have...

See how much your precious triforce-less world is worth! I'll play through this game myself and destroy any hope you have!

Alright then, maybe we'll see that it's not such a bad game, and just it gets a lot of undeserved hate. Let's find out...

Our story begins not long ago...

There was a young girl, savvy to the seas and head of a band of pirates.

Her name was Tetra. She was pretty, brash, and brave.

Tetra and her handsome pirates set out to explore the vast and unfamiliar seas.

One day on a stop at an island, Tetra met a young boy dressed in green.

After a series of strange events, the two began traveling together.

They found old ruins, and light enveloped Tetra.

At once, she transformed into a beautiful princess.

Her lineage traced back to an ancient, ruined kingdom.

She was Princess Zelda of the Kingdom of Hyrule.

Just then, a huge, ominous king appeared!

He carried Princess Zelda away.

The evil king sought the sacred power passed down to Hyrulian princesses.

He schemed to take the power and use it himself.

The boy chased after him, determined to save the princess.
The boy crossed seas and climbed mountains.
The journey was perilous. He slayed evil monsters and used their power to become a true hero.
After long and hard adventuring, he defeated the evil king.
And beautiful Princess Zelda was rescued at last.

Later,the two set outwith the brave pirate crew in search of new lands...

Yes, they set sail together! A happy pirate ending!


Niko: So what did you think of my amazing paper cutouts? Did you guess that Tetra was really Princess Zelda?! Hey! Link! Are you sleeping, swabbie? Link!

Tetra: Link! Stop messing around down there! You're both supposed to be on lookout! Hah! Some legendary hero you are. Who'd believe you saved me from the evil king?

Mako: Princess Zelda, we're nearly at that spot in the sea!

Tetra: I told you not to call me Zelda! Tetra worked just fine before, you know.

Mako: But...you're the princess of a whole kingdom! I can't go treating you
like a pirate.

Tetra: You'd better start trying, Mako! I may be a princess, but I'm a fearsome pirate. I'm traveling the world in search of new lands. And I'm the leader of you salty lot. I'm Tetra! But enough about that! So this is where the Ghost Ship is said to appear? Stay on the lookout for a creepy-looking ship!

Niko: Are you sure this is a good idea? What about all those ships that have gone missing? I say the Ghost Ship is behind all of it!

Tetra: That's right, Niko. Every ship disappears. And it's all because of that
scaaaaaaary Ghost Ship!

Niko: G-ghosts...?!

Gonzo: Hey, Tetra! They say these seas are protected, yeah? Something about a spirit called the Ocean King. Wouldn't a spirit like that protect the ships?

Niko: Unless there really is an evil Ghost Ship...

Tetra: Don't be ridiculous. There's no such thing as a Ghost Ship! I bet it's just some pirates up to no good. I'll expose them as a bunch of frauds. And remind them that there are rules to being pirates! I doubt there really is an Ocean King anyway.

Gonzo: Hey...look!

Tetra: The air feels chilly... Eerie, even.

Niko: I say we take a detour around this creepy place.

Tetra: Quit being so scared! We're here to see the world, not take detours!

Zuko: Ship ahoy!

Niko: Tetra... I can see a ship...

Gonzo: Yeah, a ship...up ahead!

Niko: It-it's... THE GHOST SHIP! These waters really are cursed!

Tetra: And you call yourself a pirate! It's just a ship. But it does look like it could be the Ghost Ship... There might even be a load of treasure on board! That's it. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this!

*Tetra jumps onto the ghost ship*

*Link goes after Tetra*

*Vanishes into a white fog*

So that's it for the crummy intro scene. Haha, these fools are fleeing away from the land of the gods, the land where the golden power lays hidden. Whatever new land they find will pale in comparison to Hyrule!

I liked that backstory introduction, it put WW's story into a cute little fairy tale legend without going into too much detail and spoiling everything. Although it did leave out some important characters... *ahem*

That's probably the most interesting part of the whole game anyway. The story of Phantom Hourglass won't be nearly as good.

Ciela: You weren't moving, so I thought you were done for! But it looks like you're going to be OK.

I'm Ciela. You see, I'm a fairy! I was out fluttering around and found you here.

What happened? What?! A Ghost Ship? Your friend was taken away by a Ghost Ship?!

So you were following after her... And you got separated from your own ship, huh?

Is it the Ghost Ship people have been talking about? They say that those it takes are never seen again! You want to know more about the Ghost Ship? Grandpa will know all about it.

I lost my memory...a long time ago. When I woke up on this beach, Grandpa rescued me! He's very sweet, so you've got nothing to worry about!

Our house is up there, off the beach. Come on! Oh...can you walk?

Finally the adventure begins. Link ends up on an island after the mysterious ghost ship knocked him out, and he meets a fairy who lost her memory. This isn't that bad of a story so far.

I guess we're going to meet her grandpa or something... wtf I didn't know fairies were people.

Also if I fall into the water I immediately take damage, the same as if you fall into lava or a bottomless pit! Is the water around here boiling hot or something?

Oshus: Ah, hello, traveler. So your name is Link? I am Oshus, and I live on this island. Ciela told me all about what happened to you.

I also hear your friend was taken by the Ghost Ship. I understand that you want to find the Ghost Ship... But you must not.


Ciela: But, Grandpa! What are you saying?! Link 's friend was carried away!

Oshus: Pure evil fills the sails of the Ghost Ship. It roams the seas in search of victims to capture... And no one has ever escaped from it. It's best if you stay far away from that Ghost Ship. No. To seek out that ship is to seek out your doom.

Ciela: That's why we have to do something, Grandpa!

Oshus: Hmm... You're not going to give up, are you? There is a port to the east of here. A sailor by the name of Linebeck should be there. He'll be willing to tell you more about the Ghost Ship.

Ciela: You mean that guy who came to visit, Grandpa? He asked about the Ghost
Ship! I remember him! I'll go with Link and show him who he is. It's OK, right, Grandpa?

Oshus: Yes. I don't see why you can't go along. I'm sure you can help Link.

Ciela: Thank you, Grandpa! Let's go, Link!

Oshus: She's always been antsy, that one... Now, Link... Lately, there have been many monster sightings. I gave in to you and told you about Linebeck... But you be careful out there.

Ah, I sense a courageous spirit in this Ciela character. She will be a great companion to the Hero of Winds.

This ghost ship sounds amazing! I could've used something like that to help me dominate those pesky ocean dwellers. Bah! If only.

Since the bridge to the other side was destroyed by earthquakes, I have to find another way to get to where Linebeck is...

Oshus: So the earthquake broke the bridge again, did it? Ah, unfortunate. There is another way to the port, but it is far too dangerous. No, wait for someone to rebuild the bridge. That's the only safe course. Don't even think about braving the path north.

This guy is such a wimp! "Oh no you can't go that way it's too dangerous!"... it will be when I get over there.

There are some red chuchu monsters on that path, so I'll just go into Oshu's storehouse and take his sword, it's not like that wimp will ever be using it anyway.

Hmm, Ciela tells me I to open the storehouse I need a password, the password being the number of palm trees on the beach... oookay... yes let's count some trees.

There are various moves you can do with the sword by swiping the screen with your stylus, but you can pretty much ignore all of that and just attack enemies by tapping on them.

Not the greatest control scheme, but eh it'll do.

Now I'm at the Mountain Passage. A little cave with some more retarded monsters and locked doors, moving blocks around, pulling levers... the solutions to are all right out in the open, and you're meant to write them down on the map to remember them... literally a signpost tells you "pull the switches in this exact order", it's like a walkthrough is built into the game so you can't possibly get stuck.

It is still in the tutorial level. Surely the game will get more challenging later on, right?

...right?

Now I'm chasing after a mouse to get the key it's carrying. I guess I have to use a box to block its path... alright that's not a bad puzzle for a first level.

Ciela: We made it to the port! It's so much farther to walk when the bridge is out. Now that we're here, let's look for Linebeck! I've met him once or twice. Can't say I care for him. He's an awfully big talker for such a big cucco!

Talking to everyone in town to find Linebeck, finally the bartender gives me some info...

Bartender: Looking for Linebeck? Sure, I know him! And that chair there knew him recently! Linebeck just dashed out, saying he was off to the Temple of the Ocean King. I tried to stop that crazy fellow, but off he went to the north side of our isle.

Old man: Did my ears hear that right?! He went to the Temple of the Ocean King?! Listen up, young'un. Listen good. The Ocean King is defender of all creation. And that temple up on the hill was built in his honor. None are more worthy! Sadly, a curse was laid on that place that sucks the souls from all who enter. None dare step into the Temple of the Ocean King, so put it out of your mind! Can't say where your friend's gone, but I'll tell you this: stay out of there!

Bartender: Yes, steer clear. That's what we all do. But the odd visitor now and then can't resist it. What?! Where is it? Right here on your map. You're not actually going there, are you?

Of course! Link, show that wimpy bartender who's boss! Go in that temple and get your soul sucked out! (heheheh at last I've got him!)

Ciela: Aha! So this is the Temple of the Ocean King! Legend has it, the temple was built to honor the mighty Ocean King. But the temple has fallen into ruin, and people say it ruins any who enter. Still, we have to find Linebeck!

Whoa... look, Link! Looks like someone's skeleton! What is it doing here? You don't think... This could be Linebeck?! This is really starting to creep me out.

Yeah there are skeletons of people lying around right at the entrance, looks like this curse is for real. When you go close to them their spirits talk to you!

Linebeck: You! Kid! Over here, kid! I'm talking to you. You came at the right time! You're lucky you found me! Lucky for me, but luckier for you. Now help me!

Ciela: Oh, him? That's Linebeck!

Linebeck: Hey, are you LISTENING? I said, HELP!

Ciela: What is he screaming about?! For someone pleading to be saved, he sure is rude!

Linebeck: What'd you say?! Oh, it's that chatty fairy from the old man's place. Yes, I got it! Listen, can you help me out?

Oh hey! Wait a second! There's something I forgot to tell you... One thing you should know about this temple. It'll suck the life out of you.

Ciela: Why didn't you tell us that sooner? That's pretty important, you know!

Linebeck: I'm not sure why, but as long as you stand on areas like this, you'll be okay.

Whoa, it is pretty dangerous in here. Whenever I'm not in those glowing areas, my hearts get drained... oh look treasure... it's empty. Linebeck probably already took it. And there's a crystal switch...

Linebeck: Are you kidding me?! That little boy did it! OK, I'm taking that as my cue to get outta here! Freeeeedooom!

Linebeck: Hey, kid! You're pretty brave for someone so short! I mean, not as brave as me... but not too shabby.

So your name's Link, huh? That's a weird name...

The name's Linebeck! I'm a real man of the sea. Impressive, huh? It was smooth sailing for me in the beginning. But then I got myself stuck in that trap. This place'll suck the life out of you, if you let it! Blasted temple...

What are you doing in a place like this, anyway? And what do you want from me, kid?

WHAT?! You're looking for the Ghost Ship?! So you're trying to get your mitts on the treasure!

Ciela: Treasure? What are you even talking about?! Link is trying to save his friend! She was abducted by the Ghost Ship! We came hoping you might know more about it.

Linebeck: Oh. Really? Boo hoo. How sweet. I think I'm gonna cry. Oh, I'm just teasing, kid. If that's what this is about, I'm on board! I'm here looking for info about the Ghost Ship too! I was just a step away, but I sprained my ankle. Otherwise, I would have explored this cursed place.

Ciela: Liar! I just saw you running like a rabbit!

Linebeck: No. No you didn't. That was just an illusion. My ankle's still throbbing! The pain is...unbearable! OoooooOoooOh.... Oooooh...the pain...

Anyway...you want to know about the Ghost Ship. Go on without me, kid!

Go grab the clue about the Ghost Ship. It has to be in there. We need it to find the ship. Got that?

Ciela: You're faking it. I think you're just scared!

Linebeck: Not a chance! Normally, I'd be leading the charge down there! But I know how much it means to Link. I'm letting him have the glory of saving his friend. So, anyway, here... Take this with you, kid. I found this key around here. It might help.

You know what you've got to do, so get to it! Oh, and...good luck in there, kid.

This Linebeck is quite a... character. Anyway, moving on with the rest of the dungeon.

And by rest of the dungeon you mean just a single room 2 with timed crystal switches, opening up a chest with a Sea Chart... only hard part is going fast enough to not get killed by the curse.

Ciela: Wait, where's Linebeck? Can you believe the nerve of that guy, making us go here by ourselves?! Now that we've got the sea chart, I've got some words for him!

*outside the temple*

Linebeck: Oh-ho! If it isn't the little monkey and his twinkly pal! Slow getting the goods, eh?

Ciela: Slow?! How dare you! You were quick enough to run off, injury and all!

Linebeck: What an insult! I was merely hurrying back to my ship! Any captain worth his salt puts his ship before his own safety, I tell you! But, tell me, little monkey, what did you find in the treasure chest?

Ah, a map! Let me at it! Bah, what's this, some boring old sea map? Oh, now I see! It is, as we call it in the adventuring business, a treasure map. If we probe its mysteries, we can find the very prize I'm seeking. The Ghost Ship! And by we, I mean me! Farewell, little monkey! I'm off to find adventure!

Uh... well okay then apparently I'm now playing The Legend of Linebeck: Phantom Hourglass! That Temple of the Ocean King did seem pretty badass so far, I'm sure there's gotta be more to it than just those 2 rooms.

Heheh, wouldn't it be stupid if you had to go back to this dungeon multiple times, and each time you had to re-do the entire floors that you've already beaten? Nah, there's no way they could possibly do something that annoying...


---
- Part 2