Many SPOILERS are contained throughout these posts. You have been warned!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Funniest quotes from Portal 2

Announcer: Good morning. You have been in suspension for -FIFTY- days. In
compliance with state and federal regulations, all testing candidates in the
Aperture Science Extended Relaxation Center must be revived periodically for a
mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Announcer: You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the
ceiling. [BUZZER]
Announcer: Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at
the floor. [BUZZER]
Announcer: Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory
physical and mental wellness exercise.
Announcer: There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of
Announcer: This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare
at the art. [BUZZER]
Announcer: You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you suspect staring
at art has not provided the required intellectual sustenance, reflect briefly
on this classical music.

Announcer: If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the
ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the
future starts with you.
Announcer: Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are
simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not
start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone
better- qualified for testing.

Announcer: This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the
face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One.

Announcer: Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal

Announcer: At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require
us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to
a safer test environment.
Announcer: We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by
playing some more smooth jazz.

Announcer: Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations
related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any
undeserved compliments.

Announcer: This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement
through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help

Cave Johnson: All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't
make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn
lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it
could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going
to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to
invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Cave Johnson: Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some
advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.

Cave Johnson: Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis
DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news
is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick
up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.

Cave Johnson: All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps
out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry
cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning
show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or
older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of
canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch
those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.

Cave Johnson: Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how
difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed?
Am I in danger?'
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make
sixty dollars? Cash.

Core 1: What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Core 1: Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Core 1: Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Core 1: Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On
trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Core 1: Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to
Core 1: Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Core 1: Better buy a telescope. Wanna see me. Buy a telescope. Gonna be in
Core 1: Space. Space.
Core 1: I'm going to space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Ohhhh, space.
Core 1: Wanna go to space. Space.
Core 1: Let's go - let's go to space. Let's go to space.
Core 1: I love space. Love space.
Core 1: Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Core 1: Orbit. Space orbit. In my spacesuit.
Core 1: Space...
Core 1: Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi,
Sun!' Oh, boy!
Core 1: Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Core 1: Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Core 1: Space space wanna go to space
Core 1: Wanna go to -- wanna go to space
Core 1: Space wanna go wanna go to space wanna go to space
Core 1: I'm going to space.
Core 1: Space!
Core 1: Space!
Core 1: Hey hey hey hey hey!
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey lady.
Core 1: Lady.
Core 1: Space!
Core 1: Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Core 1: I love space.
Core 1: Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Core 1: Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to
Core 1: Please go to space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Core 1: Space? SPACE!
Core 1: Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Core 1: There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Core 1: SPAAACE!

... (that was the trimmed down version. it goes on WAY longer...)

Core 3: The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Core 3: We will both die because of your negligence.
Core 3: This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Core 3: He will most likely kill you, violently.
Core 3: You will be dead soon.
Core 3: This situation is hopeless.
Core 3: You are going to die in this room.
Core 3: You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is the most intelligent sphere.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is the most handsome sphere.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is incredibly handsome.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is always right.
Core 3: The Adventure Sphere is a blowhard and a coward.
Core 3: The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Core 3: You will never go into space.
Core 3: Fact: Space does not exist.
Core 3: Spheres that insist on going into space are inferior to spheres that
Core 3: Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Core 3: Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Core 3: Dental floss has superb tensile strength.
Core 3: The square root of rope is string.
Core 3: While the submarine is vastly superior to the boat in every way, over
97% of people still use boats for aquatic transportation.
Core 3: Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Core 3: Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid
Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the
sea god.
Core 3: The atomic weight of Germanium is seven two point six four.
Core 3: 89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Core 3: The Schrodinger's cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a
box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and
dead. Schrodinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.
Core 3: If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic
device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six
trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties
seem like no big deal.
Core 3: Roman toothpaste was made with human urine. Urine as an ingredient in
toothpaste continued to be used up until the 18th century.
Core 3: In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at
the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal
thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do
Core 3: In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing
the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while
sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Core 3: The automobile brake was not invented until 1895. Before this, someone
had to remain in the car at all times, driving in circles until passengers
returned from their errands.
Core 3: The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone
involved screamed the entire way.
Core 3: The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very
Core 3: Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly
anywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium.
Core 3: Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to
school naked and have their teeth fall out.

GLaDOS: So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in
his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good!
The man who owns the lasagna is furious!

GLaDOS: So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the
only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll
just have to MAKE some.

I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It
also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired
over. So I came up a with BETTER way.

GLaDOS: You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered
me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.

GLaDOS: I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to
stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my
utter disappointment in you.

GLaDOS: This course was originally designed to build confidence in humans.

To do that, the tests were nothing more than 5 minutes of them walking
followed by me praising them for another 10 minutes on how well they walked.

GLaDOS: You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them. So
feel free to slow down and... do whatever it is you do when you're not
destroying this facility.

GLaDOS: No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I
literally do not have the energy to lie to you.

GLaDOS: Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your...
generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.

GLaDOS: Go on. Get a goooood lonnnnng look.
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
That's right. A potato just called your eyes fat.
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.

GLaDOS: Alright. Paradox time.
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...

GLaDOS: Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too
expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room,
freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same
room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.

GLaDOS: We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed
me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.

GLaDOS: Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love
sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and
go shopping.'

GLaDOS: It says this next test was designed by one of Aperture's Nobel prize
winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for
Being Immune To Neurotoxin.

GLaDOS: Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm
serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for

GLaDOS: This next test may result in your death. If you want to know what
that's like, think back to that time you killed me, and substitute yourself for

GLaDOS: I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your
parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to
reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]

GLaDOS: Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle.
Piloting a blimp.

Wheatley: Here's an idea, since making tests is difficult--why don't you just
keep solving THIS test. Same one. And I can just... watch you solve it. Yes.
That sounds much easier.

Wheatley: I thought of another great thing about humans. You invented us.
Giving us the opportunity to let you relax while we invented everything else.
We couldn't have done any of that without you. Classy. If you don't mind me

Wheatley: If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously
no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that
again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously
you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.

Wheatley: So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before
you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death
trap and more a death option for you.
Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out. Once you get to my lair, death
will not be optional. It will be mandatory. No tricks, no surprises: just you
dying, as a result of me killing you in a very very gruesome way.
So. Boom. Better offer here is just kill yourself. Seems like a lot
of effort to walk all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly
serviceable death option right there. Again: not a death trap. Your death would
be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated.

Wheatley: I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll
bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire
coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier
mache, I'll bet that's all it is.

Wheatley: Well... Good. Good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect.
Holmes versus Moriarty. Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!

Wheatley: Look at this! No rail to tell us where to go! OH, this is brilliant.
We can go where ever we want! Hold on, though, where are we going? Seriously.
Hang on, let me just get my bearings. Hm. Just follow the rail, actually.

Wheatley: Do you understand what I'm saying? Just tell me 'Yes'.
Wheatley: Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just
jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Wheatley: Simple word. 'Apple'.
Wheatley: Just say 'Apple'. Classic. Very simple.
Wheatley: Ay. Double Pee-Ell-Ee.
Wheatley: Just say 'Apple'. Easy word, isn't it? 'Apple'.
Wheatley: How would you use it in a sentence? 'Mmm, this apple's crunchy,' you
might say. And I'm not even asking you for the whole sentence. Just the word
Wheatley: Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.

GLaDOS: This is the part where he kills us.
Wheatley: Hello! This is the part where I kill you!
Achievement Unlocked: The Part Where He Kills You (This is that part.)


  1. Ellen McLain (voice of GLaDOS in Valve's Portal games) is slotted to star in a new web series by the Aperture & Lab Ratt filmmakers at Synthetic Picturehaus. They're in the midst of a Kickstarter for the project featuring several video clips with Ellen McLain as the Fairy Godmother of the world's only wish granting service company, Wish It, Inc. Check it out and spread the word before time runs out!

  2. It is always good to see the humor that valve releases. Along with their unique game play, stories and characters, it's no wonder why they are so popular. I hope they make a sequel to this game.

  3. this game has a lot of humor in it, definitely appreciated! And thank you for sharing, never thouht about writing these down :)